Pipefitter Works So Hard That His Ass Actually Drags

"I Felt Something Tugging Me As I Walked to the Locker Room"

Mike Birchfield works at a local power plant as a shift pipefitter. During a recent maintenance outage, he was scheduled to work eleven 12-hour shifts in a row, doing a major overhaul on one of the boilers.

As the outage was nearing completion, the pressure was on to complete dozens of add-on work orders, as no planning or scheduling is done at the plant. Mike was exhausted, and was not feeling quite right.

"I can remember this funny feeling that I was moving in slow motion. It seemed like everyplace I went, I was having trouble getting around, getting stuck in tight spaces, knocking over things and stumbling.", said Birchfield from his hospital bed.

Birchfield made it to the end of his shift, and walked back to the locker room to shower and dress for the ride home. It was then that he realized that something was seriously wrong with him.

"People were pointing, and their mouths were hanging open. I looked behind me, and there on the floor was something I never expected, my own ass!", explained Mr. Birchfield.

This extremely rare medical deformity called worksohardima dragginass, brought on by excessive labor and stress, afflicting only 1 in 500 million people, and has not been seen in the United States since 2 farmers from Indiana came down with the ailment after putting up hay for the winter in 120 degree heat during the summer of 1947.

Mike is expected to make a full recovery, but will require extensive physical therapy to regain full use of his ass. Donations to help the Birchfield family defray medical expenses for Mike's care can be sent to the local hospital, care of "Save Mike's Ass Fund".

11/22/06- "If You Don't Have Anything Nice To Say" Speech Backfires

CEO Endures 2 Hours of Dead Silence At Local Plant

Hibbing, MN - Harlon Crenshaw, CEO of Crenshaw Industries, a local manufacturer of snow shovels and precision optics presented what was supposed to be a 2-hour long speech to motivate the employees of the struggling plant.

He was met by heckling, booing and a hail of spitballs and rotten eggs. Workers were furious over the announcement that the customary Thanksgiving turkey that the company gives out each year as a gift to each employee would be replaced by a small bag of granola.

Shouting from the back of the room, one meeting attendee screamed, "We're gonna get you for this, Crenshaw! You better run to your car when you leave, because we're gonna tar and feather you if we catch you!"

Crenshaw desperately tried to regain control of the riotous crowd, saying, "We had to do it! The anti-meat people protested if we gave you meat! The anti-nut people said they would get sick or die if we gave out peanuts! The anti-alcohol folks said we couldn't give out wine! Dammit, all we had left was granola with no nuts, and it's even organic! The bag is small because the FDA said obesity is on the rise, and our lawyer said we would get sued if we gave out a bigger bag!"

The crown would have none of it, and began chanting, "Down With Crenshaw!" The CEO kept his composure, and speaking clearly into the microphone, said, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything." After a few snickers and hoots, the crowd of over 200 settled into total silence.

For two solid hours, there was nothing but absolute silence in the room, with the exception of a single worker munching granola in the back row, wearing a Greenpeace t-shirt and Birkenstock sandals. He was very happy.

11/15/06-Disgruntled Foreman Writes Work Order to Tear Down Plant

Job Done Before Anyone Noticed

Workers at a northern Wisconsin paper mill were "shocked to arrive at work and find the plant torn down", a union spokesman said early Thursday. “Where do I punch in?” was the common lament among workers.

Darrell Kemp, a company representative said that a “disgruntled” production foreman had put a request into the recently computerized work order system, telling the maintenance technicians to tear the plant down.

“It appears the maintenance guys executed the work order before the error could be caught. The work order was marked as an emergency, so they went right to work.”, stated Kemp, visibly shaken.

Displaced production workers quickly went about finding the cafeteria, so they could get a cup of coffee to fend off the November chill.

It is unknown whether the plant will be rebuilt. “To do that, I would need to put in a work order, but at this point I can’t find my desk”, said a chief engineer, who asked to remain anonymous.

With Christmas approaching rapidly, the price of wrapping paper is expected to make a serious jump. The company is trying to move the production to other plants until the crisis is resolved. “This is not in our long range plan. We will have to come up with a strategy to deal with this.”, said Marvin Schlep, Director of Corporate Strategy.