Instrumentation Techs Drink 800.23% More Coffee

Many Trade In Their Tools For Mugs

Instrumentation technicians have always been known to carry a cup of coffee wherever they go, much to the chagrin of their coworkers.

With the advent of gourmet coffees and blends of exotic herbal teas and other beverages, the temptation to devote more and more time to sipping java has apparently overwhelmed these maintenance team members.

One plant reported that they have found groups of instrumentation technicians huddled around the coffee maker for hours, mesmerized by the scent of a dark roasted French blend, completely ignoring the ringing telephone and squawking radios calling for help.

Still another facility has identified that only 1 in 8 instrumentation technicians even carries tools, while most have several coffee mugs.

This coffee consumption alarm is the worst threat to maintenance effectiveness since the infamous 1973 "Bottle at Every Break" whiskey fad that swept the millwrights and pipefitters across the country.

11/29/06- New Legislation Forces Standardization

All Maintenance Techs to Be Called Bob

Casper, WY – The Wyoming state legislature has introduced and passed legislation that will force all maintenance techs in the state to be called Bob. The law stops short of forcing a legal name change, but does stipulate 100% compliance with the ordinance during working hours.

The bill was read and passed during a slow period in the House, around 3:45 am. The bill passed unanimously with a 7-0 vote. House representatives, when asked why they had voted this way responded, “We're really tired, and we just want to get home.”

Representative Tom Addersly, who introduced this bill, stated “We already have a lot of Bob's in the maintenance field,and this is just an opportunity to standardize.”

Addersly already has plans in place for bills to force all legislators to be called Tom, all nurses to be called Sue and all rock stars to be called Sïd.

Reaction to the decision was quick from all sides. Trade unions denounced the resolution as an “attack against the freedoms and ideologies of the entire world.” The A.S.G.N.B. (American Society for Guys Named Bob) are extremely happy with the outcome although they would have preferred that everyone legally change their name to Bob.

Women’s groups are coming to grips with the reality of female techs being called Bob, but they are lobbying for an amendment to allow females to be called Bobbi.

Pipefitter Works So Hard That His Ass Actually Drags

"I Felt Something Tugging Me As I Walked to the Locker Room"

Mike Birchfield works at a local power plant as a shift pipefitter. During a recent maintenance outage, he was scheduled to work eleven 12-hour shifts in a row, doing a major overhaul on one of the boilers.

As the outage was nearing completion, the pressure was on to complete dozens of add-on work orders, as no planning or scheduling is done at the plant. Mike was exhausted, and was not feeling quite right.

"I can remember this funny feeling that I was moving in slow motion. It seemed like everyplace I went, I was having trouble getting around, getting stuck in tight spaces, knocking over things and stumbling.", said Birchfield from his hospital bed.

Birchfield made it to the end of his shift, and walked back to the locker room to shower and dress for the ride home. It was then that he realized that something was seriously wrong with him.

"People were pointing, and their mouths were hanging open. I looked behind me, and there on the floor was something I never expected, my own ass!", explained Mr. Birchfield.

This extremely rare medical deformity called worksohardima dragginass, brought on by excessive labor and stress, afflicting only 1 in 500 million people, and has not been seen in the United States since 2 farmers from Indiana came down with the ailment after putting up hay for the winter in 120 degree heat during the summer of 1947.

Mike is expected to make a full recovery, but will require extensive physical therapy to regain full use of his ass. Donations to help the Birchfield family defray medical expenses for Mike's care can be sent to the local hospital, care of "Save Mike's Ass Fund".

11/15/06-Disgruntled Foreman Writes Work Order to Tear Down Plant

Job Done Before Anyone Noticed

Workers at a northern Wisconsin paper mill were "shocked to arrive at work and find the plant torn down", a union spokesman said early Thursday. “Where do I punch in?” was the common lament among workers.

Darrell Kemp, a company representative said that a “disgruntled” production foreman had put a request into the recently computerized work order system, telling the maintenance technicians to tear the plant down.

“It appears the maintenance guys executed the work order before the error could be caught. The work order was marked as an emergency, so they went right to work.”, stated Kemp, visibly shaken.

Displaced production workers quickly went about finding the cafeteria, so they could get a cup of coffee to fend off the November chill.

It is unknown whether the plant will be rebuilt. “To do that, I would need to put in a work order, but at this point I can’t find my desk”, said a chief engineer, who asked to remain anonymous.

With Christmas approaching rapidly, the price of wrapping paper is expected to make a serious jump. The company is trying to move the production to other plants until the crisis is resolved. “This is not in our long range plan. We will have to come up with a strategy to deal with this.”, said Marvin Schlep, Director of Corporate Strategy.